words words words = thoughts thoughts thoughts

I know that beyond the post made awhile back I have posted little else but poetry. Perhaps that is a reawakening in me, or all of the changes in my life can only be described through the stilted lens of succinct thoughts. Either way, I think I need to write out something more, be it for only myself. So for you daily visitors that look are looking for the poetry, my apologies for the explication of my life.

Last week I received my yearly review at work. While it had the normal moments of two people having completely different perceptions of the same reality, all in all it was much like any other review I have ever had, in that there wasn’t much to talk about except for the good job I was doing. In the meeting there is the normal corporate/management mandates to determine professional goals for yourself to accomplish in the next year. It seems as if in the past, I was always able to come up with something I wanted to work toward in terms of my career. Either a job for that next resume point or something else to advance my options in life. Since I don’t have a degree, I have always treated work history and resume as my largest foot in the door and as such designed my career path to ensure that I was always able to parlay into the next opportunity whenever I got bored with my current profession. In essence the constant back up plan of a wanderer.

Now, I have never been a corporate climber. Certainly not a claw my way to the top type of guy. Promotions, responsibility, titles, money, etc. have always seemed to just fall into my lap. I have never quite known if it was luck or skill, but I am sure it is a mixture of both. At times, I am also sure that my complete lack of corporate back biting has enabled people to feel comfortable giving me roles since the aloofness somehow telegraphs responsibility. Whatever the cause: having a career has been relatively easy and I have been marginally succesful in this capatilist madness that we are coached in our life to run through.

So back to the review now that some backstory is out of the way. I left the review thinking through what I would want my next goals to be. For the first time in my life, I drew a complete blank. I thought about it for a week and still this morning realized that there is nothing for me in this reality anymore. I looked at everything I wanted to learn, and if anything they are all personal goals in life: be more patient, understanding, respectful, plan my life, etc. Not a single one was get to this position, or this salary, or any number of things that we are taught are oh so important to be a productive part of this society. The only thing I could keep coming back to is the fact that I feel as if I am living someone else’s life. The feeling that there are probably 50 people in my company that would kill to have my job, and to be honest, I wouldn’t mind them having it.

Now this feeling doesn’t stem from impotence, or powerless, or any of the other things that go hand in hand with demoralization in a job. I have both power and influence in spades, and to be honest I am not necessarily demoralized. If anything, I feel more in control of who I am and what I want as a person than I ever have before in my life. I think it is that feeling that is driving all of this searching over the last year. Sure it started with various different stresses and tests of who I am, but now it just is a wonderful thing to experience. The growth of who I can become and the realization that there are so many wonderful paths for me to follow and people to meet. It’s as if those feelings were the part of me that I felt disconnected from, but now they are in command of my destination.

Now, being the puzzle solver I am, I of course need to try and find that magic thread that drew it all together. Right people right time? Maybe. Saturn Return? Perhaps. Being on my own 3000 miles away from where I grew up? Possibly. Each moment that I concentrate on the notions that have led me here, it all becomes so clear: there is no puzzle. No grand scheme that I have to negotiate. No roadblocks in the way of who I can become and what I want to experience. It would seem that all of those pieces of myself that I was worried about losing in my life because of time and space, seem to have found their way back at the right time and are stronger than was imaginable.

I am reminded of a post I once wrote back in my live journal days, about the experience I had building a computer for my sister. While it was a task I had conducted countless times, it was the first time that I realized I had this gift I was taking for granted. A gift of a life and knowledge accumulated. I feel as if for the past 5 years I have been in that same spot, not realizing the truly wonderful things at my fingertips, waiting for something to show me, when in reality all that I needed to do was trust in the knowledge that I had acquired. Never forgetting the pain, but at the same time, not letting it be a place I dwell in. Never forgetting all of those moments that led up to now, but knowing that I need to move beyond them.

My mother once asked me what it was that at the end of the day I just had to do. The thing that if I couldn’t do it, I wouldn’t be whole as a person. The idea being that that is the thing that I should focus my life’s attention on, instead of focusing it on someone else’s desires and dream. At the time, I struggled. Struggled to understand how to parse the expectations of me from the ability. The joy from the potential. Each day since then, I have thought about that. Thought about what is that one thing, that without which I wouldn’t feel complete. I think the reason I was lost, is all that I kept thinking of was career, or tasks, or any number of things that you feel as if you have to contribute in some way to the continuing conversations of our existence. Today, as I was driving into work, I realized what that one thing was: passion. Loving. Experiencing. Creating. Sharing. Communicating. Feeling.  All of those things that every moment I spend my day trying to be apart of, has to do with the fact that I have, and always will feel so much for everything. I used to see it as a curse. As an Achilles heel in this cold world. Now, I realize, it is a gift that too few are able to experience. A notion that is beaten out of most in life. And for that, I shouldn’t take it for granted any longer, or hide it away out of sight so as it won’t be damaged.

So, when asked “what is it you want to do with your life?” My only answer now is: I want to shine.